Never Read online

  “How’s my best girl?” He goes directly into the living room where Riley has abandoned her playing to hold up her arms and cry out that she wants “up” in her chirpiest voice.

  “She’s been very good today,” I say, locking the apartment door. I step over to the stove and check on dinner.

  I’d figured that it would be a long day for Ethan, and it was a pretty long day for me too, even though Riley was on her best behavior. She went down for her nap like a good girl in the morning and the afternoon, so I’d made a casserole, and some green beans, and a salad. I don’t even know what kind of food Ethan eats, but I figure there has to be something he’ll manage in the whole deal.

  “Whatever you’re cooking smells amazing,” Ethan tells me from the living room.

  “It should be pretty good,” I say, bringing the pot from the stove to a trivet on the table.

  “What’s she had to eat so far today?”

  I look at the notepad on the refrigerator door where I keep track of all the stuff that Ethan will need to know from the times I take care of his daughter.

  “We had eggs and toast for breakfast, a morning snack of apples and peanut butter. For lunch, she had tuna salad, and some pretzels about two hours ago,” I reply.

  “Thanks, you seem to be getting the hang of this co-parent thing quickly,” Ethan tells me as he settles Riley in her high chair.

  I roll my eyes. “I’m obsessive about doing it right,” I counter.

  “This looks good,” Ethan says, sitting down at the table next to my niece. I open the fridge and get the half-empty bottle of white wine out, along with some milk for Riley.

  “What do you want to drink?” It feels weird to have Ethan sitting at my table, to be serving him dinner, but we agreed that in addition to the fact that it would be better to keep Riley on a schedule for meals, it would be good to try to keep things as normal for her as possible, and that meant sitting for meals together when we can.

  “Water, please,” Ethan says.

  “Watah, peas,” Riley copies.

  I chuckle. “You’re going to have milk, my little turtle-dove,” I tell her. “The yummy strawberry milk you like.”

  I mix her strawberry milk and put it in her sippy cup, and get Ethan a glass of water and pour myself a glass of wine. I won’t be minding her, and I managed to get most of my work done, so I feel like I’ve earned it.

  “Thanks,” Ethan says as I finally sit down at the table. He serves Riley little portions of everything.

  “I don’t know if she’ll like the salad,” I say.

  “It’s good for her to try it, though,” Ethan points out, and I nod.

  I’ve found — to my surprise, since Alexis was always kind of a picky eater — that Riley’s willing to eat just about anything I put in front of her.

  We settle in to eat and while Ethan chatters with Riley and I occasionally fill in the details he needs to know, I think about how bizarre my life has become. I’m taking care of my sister’s daughter three days a week, talking to a man who I swore I would never ever even say more than “hello” to in my life. I still haven’t forgiven him for what he and Alexis did, but it’s as obvious now as it was the week of my sister’s death how tough this has been on him. I can’t help but feel a little bad for him, even if there’s a part of me that I’m pretty sure will always hate him a little bit.

  By the time Ethan has Riley in her car seat, and they’re heading out to go home, she’s almost ready to go to sleep for the night, and I’m not all that far behind her. I never realized when I was entertaining my niece during my two visits back home, and then the week around Easter, what it would be like to constantly be responsible for a child for hours at a time, especially while I’m trying to work.

  “Thank you, Lara,” Ethan says at the door. I shrug.

  “I’m just doing what I need to do,” I say, giving him a tired smile. I think better of smiling at him, but I’m too exhausted to stop myself.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” Ethan suggests.

  “You will indeed,” I tell him.

  He looks for a second like he’s going to say something else, but then he shakes his head and tells a drowsy Riley that they’re going for a ride.

  They leave, and I put away the leftovers. Ethan actually ate more of the salad than I thought he would, and I have just enough of dinner left to have on Friday night, when I definitely won’t want to cook anything from scratch. I clean the kitchen a bit and make sure to spray down the tray from Riley’s high chair, leaving it to dry on the dish rack. It’s weird, it really is, how normal this has become, and I still don’t know how to feel about how much I now have to interact with the last man on the planet I want to even speak to.

  After I have cleaned and had a second glass of wine I decide to take a shower as I need to relax. Looking after a child is no easy task and a shower is the perfect way to chill.

  The apartment is quiet without Riley and Ethan and although I like the silence, I miss the company.

  Once in the shower, I start going over the day I’ve had. It was nice chatting to someone and the fact it was Ethan was strangely all right. He is a caring and loving father and although he broke my heart, I have to accept that he will be a part of my life for the rest of my life.

  Absently, I find myself no longer soaping and scrubbing my body but fondling myself. I haven’t had any kind of relief ever since I got the call about the car accident, and while I’m not exactly sexually voracious, I was used to getting myself off at least a few times a week. I let my mind drift as I tease my nipples and then reach down between my legs to stroke and rub myself, trying to think of an appropriate fantasy.

  I imagine the shower curtain pulling aside, and then feeling the presence of someone stepping into the shower behind me, his hands replacing mine invisibly. I close my eyes and find my clit with my fingertips, pretending it’s a man’s fingertips instead, pretending it’s some phantom lover.

  But all at once, instead of an imaginary, nonexistent guy, I’m picturing Ethan, and I nearly stop myself, but I’m already too turned on, too wound up, to make myself give up on getting off. I try to replace the mental image of Ethan with someone — anyone — else, but my brain stubbornly insists on remembering him, and imagining him as the man in the shower with me.

  I imagine him sliding one finger, and then two, inside of me slowly, and do it to myself, swaying on my feet as the hot water tickles me on its way down my body. I use my other hand to cup and tease my breast, rolling the nipple between my fingers, sending little tingling jolts of sensation straight to my already-soaking pussy. I moan as I think about Ethan fingering me, working my clit with my thumb while I push my two fingers deeper inside of myself, curling them to brush up against my inner walls.

  I have to admit that of all the things I ever took issue with on Ethan’s end, there was never any problem between us in the sex department when we were together. From the first time we had sex onward, everything was so hot. He had a real, natural talent, something I didn’t realize until my first time with someone else. Ethan had seemed really, truly interested in finding out what I liked, and instinctively good at making it happen.

  I remember one of the last times we had sex. It had been at the cabin by the beach right before we left, and Ethan had whispered to me about something he’d wanted to try for weeks, something that he had been scared to ask me for, but everything had seemed possible in that little cabin. He’d grabbed one of my scarves from my suitcase and tied my hands over my head, and then, starting at my lips, slowly made his way down my body with his mouth.

  I imagine him kissing a path down from my lips to my chest, and then stopping there for a while, fingering me steadily as he worships my breasts with his mouth. The water makes it easier to imagine as I tease myself with my fingers, and I try to keep just enough of me under the showerhead to keep from getting cold or dry as my imagination takes over.

  I can feel the tension building between my hips, and as I’m wor
king myself with my fingers I think of Ethan sinking down onto his knees and spreading my legs, burying his face against my pussy, not even caring about the water pouring down over his head. I shiver at the thought of him devouring me, sucking and licking my pleasure center and dipping down to where my fingers slide in and out of me faster and faster.

  Almost before I know it, I’m crying out, the tension between my hips breaking all at once, and wave after wave of pleasure wash through my body, blotting out all thought of whether it’s even appropriate to think of my brother-in-law the way I am. I tremble a bit as I withdraw my fingers from my slippery body and rinse them off, and make myself finish the shower before the water has a chance to go cold.

  By the time I tumble into bed, I can’t help thinking that it’s going to be even more complicated than I thought, the situation between me and Ethan, raising Riley together.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Ethan

  “My parents insisted that we both needed a break,” I tell Lara as I get us both a couple of beers from the fridge.

  She’d come over to discuss the paperwork we need to fill out for her to be Riley’s legal guardian, so that she can take my daughter to doctors’ appointments if she needs to, or in case something happens.

  “It kind of feels weird to be here without her,” Lara admits. I can’t deny I feel the same. The haunted feeling in the house hasn’t quite gone away, and it’s been five weeks since Alexis died.

  “I figure we’d probably get more done if we don’t have to wrangle Riley, too,” I point out. It’s true, we can probably get through all the paperwork and all the details pretty fast, but it’s more that I don’t want to be in the house all by myself if I don’t have to.

  “Yeah, that’s probably right,” Lara says. She looks how I feel, awkward, kind of at a loss for what to do. It isn’t her first time in the house, but it’s the first time she’s been here without being focused on Riley. We clink our beers together and I lead her to the living room, and we sit down on opposite ends of the couch.

  “I ordered a pizza before you got here,” I say. It seemed like the easiest way to handle dinner. I definitely didn’t want to be doing dishes or cooking when Lara arrived.

  “Sounds good. You didn’t get green olives on it, right?” Lara looks almost queasy and I remember while Alexis loved green olives on pizza, Lara has always hated them.

  “I didn’t get any kind of olives. I got pepperoni and an extra cheese,” I tell her.

  Lara looks relieved, and takes another quick sip of her beer.

  “So, what all do we need to do?” I grab the folder off the coffee table and hand it to her. Lara reads through it and I try to find something to do with myself, but I’m at a loss. I still feel numb and suddenly very tired.

  The pizza guy arrives then, and I’m more than happy to hop up and get the door and pay the guy. “Have a good night, man,” I say, giving him a quick smile before I close the door.

  “This all looks pretty straightforward,” Lara says, setting the paperwork aside as I put the pizza down on the table.

  “Let me get some plates,” I suggest.

  Lara laughs.

  “It’s pizza. We can just take slices out of the boxes, can’t we? Did Alexis do such a good job on domesticating you?” she asks.

  “Good point,” I agree, and instead of going into the kitchen, I sit down on the couch once again.

  “So, I’m going to be Riley’s legal guardian,” Lara says thoughtfully, and we open the boxes and help ourselves to a slice each. I take a bite of pizza, molten-hot and delicious.

  “In a million years, I never would have thought something like this would happen,” she adds, glancing at me.

  “What do you mean?”

  Lara gives me a slightly sarcastic-looking smile and shrugs. “Well, for one, I never thought I’d have anything to do with you, or Alexis, or even really Riley, in my entire life,” Lara says.

  “Why not? I mean, you loved Riley from the moment you met her,” I point out.

  Lara takes a couple of quick bites of her slice of pizza, like she wants to keep herself from being able at all to speak. She chews, swallows and takes another sip of her beer, glancing at me once or twice, and I can see the hurt in her eyes, even if I don’t understand it.

  She clears her mouth and says, looking out the window, “You gave your child with my sister the name we talked about giving our child.”

  It takes me completely by surprise. By the time Riley arrived, I had almost completely forgotten the plans that Lara and I had talked about when we’d been together.

  “I mean, it’s a name I always wanted for a daughter,” I point out.

  Lara nods, and looks down into the pizza box. She takes another bite of her slice and sits back on the couch.

  “It was just… it was so awful, in a way. And I love Riley, I’ve loved her from the moment I set eyes on her. You’re right about that. But when I heard you’d named her that…” she smiles sadly and shrugs again.

  I sit there a little stunned. I had always liked the name Riley.

  Lara sighs. “We shouldn’t talk about it,” she says, shaking her head again. She takes a few more bites of her pizza in quick succession and then gnaws on the leftover crust almost angrily.

  “No, I think we should,” I say.

  “Why? What good is it going to do?” Lara looks at me and it’s so similar to the expression I saw on her face the day she found out about me and Alexis. It’s almost exactly the same.

  “We’re never going to move past it if we don’t just… have it out,” I tell her.

  Lara presses her lips together and I see her breasts rise and fall against the fabric of her shirt as she takes a slow, deep breath. I know I shouldn’t even be looking at that part of my sister-in-law’s body, but the movement draws my eyes.

  “Do you have any idea how much both of you hurt me?” Lara sets down the crust in her hands, and dusts her hands on her jeans.

  “You’d broken up with me. You’d ended things between us long before,” I say.

  Lara laughs, and it sounds bitter. “That doesn’t mean that I’d ever have been okay with you dating my sister,” she says. She looks at me for just a moment and I can see the tears glinting in her eyes. “I need to get a paper towel.”

  She gets up and walks into the kitchen, and I’m too shocked by what she said to even think about insisting on doing it myself. She comes back a moment later with two paper towels, and tosses one in my direction. I grab it before it can land on top of the pizza closest to me.

  “Don’t you think it hurt me when you broke us up?” I ask.

  Lara raises an eyebrow at my comment and sits down heavily, snagging another piece of pizza for herself.

  “Of course it hurt you, but it hurt me too,” she says.

  “So, you’re supposed to be able to move on, but I’m not?”

  I’m starting to regret inviting her over for dinner. Maybe Lara was right. Maybe it was a big mistake for us to ever discuss our past.

  “No. Look, I just…” Lara sighs. She takes a bite of her pizza and just stares at the carpet for a few moments.

  “What?” In spite of knowing that it’s probably a terrible idea, I can’t help but be curious as to what she has to say.

  “Why did you have to date my sister? My sister, Ethan.”

  “Because… Alexis and I agreed to never say anything, but,” I take a deep breath and continue, “under the circumstances I think you should know. It was a one-night stand with your sister. We were at the same bar and we just started talking. I had a bit too much to drink and did she. It wasn’t supposed to happen. And it wasn’t supposed to happen with her.”

  The words just tumble out of me and I feel lighter, but Lara is the last person I ever thought I would tell this too.

  “A one-night stand?” Lara says quietly.

  “Yes. Riley was conceived that night. Alexis told me a few weeks later that she was pregnant. She did not want to end the pregnanc
y and I supported her decision.”

  “Ethan, I never knew this. I know that things happened pretty quickly, but I figured it was because you were trying to hide the relationship from me. I guessed that Riley was a surprise…”

  “Given that you cut Alexis out of your life as soon as we told you that we were together and then that she was pregnant with my child, how could we tell you it was the result of a one-night stand? Did you call your sister every time you started seeing someone?”

  “I guess not.”

  “You even stopped talking to your parents,” I say. I remember going over to the house and it was like a cloud was hanging over everything without her there.

  “They took Alexis’ side and I felt betrayed.”

  “I know but she was pregnant. Neither of us did this to hurt you. We decided to make the most of the situation. As I said, Alexis did not want to end the pregnancy and I supported her. You know I wanted children. We decided to tell friends and family about the relationship first and then break the news about the pregnancy later. Our marriage was not perfect, but Riley is, and she is the reason for everything.”

  Lara looks down at the carpet.

  “I had no idea,” she says quietly.

  “The funny thing was that I went over to her that night in the bar to ask her how you were doing. We just started talking. I bought Alexis a drink. One thing led to another. Here I am almost two and a half years later.”

  Lara starts fiddling with her hands.

  “What happened between your sister and me that night was wrong. However, my beautiful Riley came from that and I will be forever grateful to your sister.”

  We both go back to eating pizza for a few moments.

  “You started dating my sister, and it was like… all the stuff that I’d wanted, that I’d dreamed of having with you, you just… gave it to her,” Lara says.

  “You didn’t want it with me!” I say to her. In my mind I can see Alexis’ face all the times her mother or father had told her that Lara had refused to go to some family event because she and I would be there.

  “I did! The reason I broke up with you was because I didn’t think I’d ever get it with you!” Lara looks me dead in the eyes, and I can hear the pain in her cracking voice and see it written all over her face.